morally gray men
a fantasy
Fictional morally gray men are a beloved trope in romantasy and dark romance literature but why? Why are thousands and thousands of us so attracted to them? Is it that they are the proverbial bad boy all grown up?
Because morally gray men break their priestly vows with feral sex, stalk women, kill people, or chop off their hands or dicks. They always have a “reasonable” excuse, especially in make-believe fantasy worlds. But they’re not all bad; they slay the dragons for us. The lines of good and bad are blurred. Unlike truly reprehensible men, morally gray men have a redeeming quality or two. Danger and romance can be appealing when there is also fear and attraction. It’s a dopamine hit. I love me a morally gray man!
Morally gray men are mafia, vampires, fae, billionaires, bikers and more. Such men seem passionate, independent, strong, probably even excitingly unpredictable. They make their own rules and don’t follow society’s norms. They yeild power and when they straddle the line of right and wrong they come across more intense and stimulating. This really gets our blood pumping! Of course MGM are always highly skilled lovers with very very large penises, and unlike 100% cruel men these guys show complexity and room for growth: ie. love. They are perhaps dangerous to everyone except to the female protagonist. Remember this is fantasy but is it really so harmful? That is a serious question and sometimes I think yes and sometimes I think no. A few would say it negatively affects real relationships or raises the bar unrealistically too high for mere mortal men. How could anyone on Hinge compare? For me personally I just love love.
Morally gray men are hyper-protective and unfortunately often jealous to boot. They make us feel physically safe which is huge because as women in this world are we ever really safe? But if you think the main female character is simpering and submissive you’d be wrong. She is feisty and fights back, challenging the MGM. There are women who find guns and knives and swords enthralling and in these books the women also often wield such symbols of typically masculine power themselves. The main female character might be magnetically drawn to the MGM but she also always chooses her self first.
Morally gray men inevitably soften for the main female character. Imagine if you were so powerful that you were able to psychologically and emotionally alter brain chemistry to transform a stubborn man. Imagine where true love conquers all. Those are reasons enough to fulfill any reader’s personal feelings of not being enough.
And before you go judging, we are fully aware that these are only fantasies. In real life it would probably all backfire. I’d venture to say most readers wouldn’t actually date a “well-intentioned” killer. And some of the things these romance men do, like grabbing their female’s chin and lifting up to his face, are actually laughable. There are TikTok videos with women playfully acting out typical dark romance moves with their boyfriends or husbands and they always end up breaking out into laughter.
Which brings me to the subject of what do our partners think of our morally gray book-boyfriends. Well, some tolerate it, some are supportive of it, and a lot find it amusing. I haven’t heard of any who actively dislike it but I’m sure those guys are out there. The partners I know of are on board with the fantasy; supposedly it means better sex for them.
Obviously the morally gray men trope is the height of escapism. I know for me it takes me out of the burden of being infatuated with a married man (see my last post “crush”). When I am reading about Tiernan the mafia Don and Lila the mafia princess in Bad Bishop my complicated infatuation completely disappears from my mind. In my head their’s is an all-encompassing passionate romance. It’s a relief!
The only book so far that I had to relegate to my DNF (did not finish) pile was about an escaped convict who car jacks a woman to drive him over the border to Mexico. But first he has to go kill her horribly abusive husband which then leads them on a cross-country “accidental” killing spree where she does half the murdering herself. Too much! Way too dark for me with no pleasure at all even though their sex was super hot. But someone out there likes that book. There is something for everyone and these dark romance novels can get even more twisted.
All that said, I am not addressing the true mafia wives, prisoners’ pen pals, and serial killers’ significant others. Aren’t most of those men morally black/not gray anyway? These women’s lives are not the stuff of dreams and I don’t know enough about that psychology to comment on it. The fictional portrayals in tv and movies are obviously not reliable.
As long as we all have a primal urge I believe the morally gray man trope will continue to be popular. But it would be a mistake to consider women who are attracted to these stories stupid or weak; we unequivocally know it is a fantasy and not real. Everyone has fantasies and reading romantasy or dark romance is one of the most harmless forms of escapism. Besides, even women have a shadow side!